Jacking ESPN's Material: 2009 Predictions by Gage Arnold

I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you. Not all that Matthew Berry is associated with is bad. Take Anne Hatheway. Or this blog. Or Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. Or the prediction survey that he and the rest of Bristol's resident loser table fantasy guys put out for the new year. The thing that I'm thieving and in which plugging my own answers. Arrest me. Now, with less Tosten and Zach. Your name: Gage Arnold But you wish to be referred to as: Giovanni You're a shameless, unabashed fan of: Gap Clothing But we shouldn't hold it against you because: It's some pretty nice stuff. Your fondest sports wish for 2009 is: For Lane Kiffin to make Tennessee a powerhouse in the SEC again Why will this happen/not happen? It's Tennessee football... Who is your biggest sleeper pick for 2009? Pierre Thomas How high would you reach for that sleeper in a draft? 3rd-4th round-ish Which player are you buying into but is most likely to disappoint you? Marion Barber Which player are you not buying into but is most likely to disappoint everyone else? Anquan Boldin, I don't see a repeat from good ol' Kurt Who will be the best rookie to emerge in 2009? Tim Tebow Who will be... ... the first player drafted in fantasy football leagues? Adrian Peterson ... the player everyone will wish they had drafted? Maurice Jones-Drew ... the first player drafted in the NFL draft? Sam Bradford ... the first rookie drafted in fantasy football leagues? Tim Tebow or Shonn Greene Mad Gabs 1. In 2009, Tim Tebow will throw for at least 2,000 yards in his rookie season. 2. There is no way that the Detroit Lions will not win one game. 3. The Houston Texans will be this year's Atlanta Falcons. 4. Brett Favre will retire, then move to Alabama, decide he doesn't belong, go back to school at Southern Miss and become the Head Football coach, only to resign after the first game and start the next 15 games of the season for the Minnesota Vikings. 5. If Michael Turner gets another 300-carry season then I don't like his fantasy outlook for the future. 6. There will be 6 players who are tight ends and will get drafted before Owen Daniels in fantasy drafts. 7. ... but only 1 player(s) who scores more points among tight ends. 8. Matthew Berry will beg to be let on the FFWWH staff only to be denied and laughed at. Poor Matt Berry. 9. This is the year that Kobe Bryant finally wins a championship without Shaq. 10. 2009 will forever be remembered as the year of Calvin Johnson's domination of mankind. The Name Game Tom Brady or Peyton Manning? Manning Michael Turner or LaDainian Tomlinson? Burner Randy Moss or Calvin Johnson? Calvin Antonio Bryant or Marques Colston? Colston Brandon Jacobs or Marion Barber? Jacobs DeAngelo Williams or Clinton Portis? DeAngelo Playing with Numbers Adrian Peterson's yards and touchdowns: 2,200; 20 Drew Brees's yards and touchdowns: 5,156; 37 Tom Brady's yards and touchdowns: 4,356; 32 Kurt Warner's starts: 10 Braylon Edwards's yards, touchdowns, and drops: 1,004; 6; 33 Chad Ocho Cinco's yards and touchdowns: 1,119; 3 Chad Ocho Cinco's ridiculous statements: 7... teen Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace What question do you wish you had been asked on this survey? Is Tim Tebow in fact Jesus? And the answer is? He may be as close as you can possibly get. What question are you glad you weren't asked? Why is Tosten Burks such a funny man? Sucker! Now you have to answer. Why, he just wakes up and is like that, must be a gift from God. Thank you Jesus for bestowing Tosten upon us.