Jacking ESPN's Material: 2009 Predictions by Alex Kozora

I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you. Not all that Matthew Berry is associated with is bad. Take Anne Hatheway. Or this blog. Or Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. Or the prediction survey that he and the rest of Bristol's resident loser table fantasy guys put out for the new year. The thing that I'm thieving and in which plugging my own answers. Arrest me. Now, with less Tosten, Zach, and Gage. Saving the best for last. Your name: Alex Kozora But you wish to be referred to as: Alex (how orginal) You're a shameless, unabashed fan of: Pinching pennies But we shouldn't hold it against you because: Better to be fiscally tight than loose. Your fondest sports wish for 2009 is: That Chidi Iwuoma signs with a team. Why will this happen/not happen? No one has shown much interest in him yet... Who is your biggest sleeper pick for 2009? Haven't given it much thought yet, but I'll go with Josh Morgan. How high would you reach for that sleeper in a draft? 8th round. Which player are you buying into but is most likely to disappoint you? Matt Hasselbeck. Good value, but injuries are a concern. Which player are you not buying into but is most likely to disappoint everyone else? Darren Sproles Who will be the best rookie to emerge in 2009? All depends on where they go, but Shonne Green really impressed me this year. Who will be... ... the first player drafted in fantasy football leagues? Adrian Peterson ... the player everyone will wish they had drafted? Earnest Graham ... the first player drafted in the NFL draft? Andre Smith ... the first rookie drafted in fantasy football leagues? Chris "Beanie" Wells. Mad Gabs 1. In 2009, the Wildcat will not work for any team until it is used even less sparingly. 2. There is no way I will bail on LT. 3. Maurice Jones-Drew will be this year's Joseph Addai. 4. Brett Favre will be talked about on Sportscenter so much, ESPN will change its name to the Favre Network. 5. If Kerry Collins keeps the starting gig, then Justin Gage doesn't look so bad. 6. There will be still be multiple players who get drafted ahead of Clinton Portis. 7. ... but only 1 player who scores more points among running backs. 8. Matthew Berry will continue to be the "creepy uncle" at family reunions. 9. This is the year that I finally cut down on fantasy football leagues. 10. 2009 will forever be remembered as the year the Packers' trading Favre and starting Rodgers was a great move. The Name Game Tom Brady or Peyton Manning? Manning Michael Turner or LaDainian Tomlinson? LT Randy Moss or Calvin Johnson? Moss Antonio Bryant or Marques Colston? Tougher than it seems, but I'll go Colston. Little more proven. Brandon Jacobs or Marion Barber? Jacobs DeAngelo Williams or Clinton Portis? Portis Playing with Numbers Adrian Peterson's yards and touchdowns: 1,950 (total); 15 TDs Drew Brees's yards and touchdowns: 4,500; 30 Tom Brady's yards and touchdowns: 4,100; 26 Kurt Warner's starts: 14 Braylon Edwards's yards, touchdowns, and drops: 1,229; 8; 10 Chad Ocho Cinco's yards and touchdowns: 825; 8 (Think Greg Jennings from '07) Chad Ocho Cinco's ridiculous statements: Only Chuck Norris can count that high. Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace What question do you wish you had been asked on this survey? How high will I rank Joseph Addai this year? And the answer is? Low. What question are you glad you weren't asked? Thoughts on Big Ben? Sucker! Now you have to answer. No clue. That's why I'm glad I wasn't asked.
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Jacking ESPN's Material: 2009 Predictions by Gage Arnold

I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you. Not all that Matthew Berry is associated with is bad. Take Anne Hatheway. Or this blog. Or Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. Or the prediction survey that he and the rest of Bristol's resident loser table fantasy guys put out for the new year. The thing that I'm thieving and in which plugging my own answers. Arrest me. Now, with less Tosten and Zach. Your name: Gage Arnold But you wish to be referred to as: Giovanni You're a shameless, unabashed fan of: Gap Clothing But we shouldn't hold it against you because: It's some pretty nice stuff. Your fondest sports wish for 2009 is: For Lane Kiffin to make Tennessee a powerhouse in the SEC again Why will this happen/not happen? It's Tennessee football... Who is your biggest sleeper pick for 2009? Pierre Thomas How high would you reach for that sleeper in a draft? 3rd-4th round-ish Which player are you buying into but is most likely to disappoint you? Marion Barber Which player are you not buying into but is most likely to disappoint everyone else? Anquan Boldin, I don't see a repeat from good ol' Kurt Who will be the best rookie to emerge in 2009? Tim Tebow Who will be... ... the first player drafted in fantasy football leagues? Adrian Peterson ... the player everyone will wish they had drafted? Maurice Jones-Drew ... the first player drafted in the NFL draft? Sam Bradford ... the first rookie drafted in fantasy football leagues? Tim Tebow or Shonn Greene Mad Gabs 1. In 2009, Tim Tebow will throw for at least 2,000 yards in his rookie season. 2. There is no way that the Detroit Lions will not win one game. 3. The Houston Texans will be this year's Atlanta Falcons. 4. Brett Favre will retire, then move to Alabama, decide he doesn't belong, go back to school at Southern Miss and become the Head Football coach, only to resign after the first game and start the next 15 games of the season for the Minnesota Vikings. 5. If Michael Turner gets another 300-carry season then I don't like his fantasy outlook for the future. 6. There will be 6 players who are tight ends and will get drafted before Owen Daniels in fantasy drafts. 7. ... but only 1 player(s) who scores more points among tight ends. 8. Matthew Berry will beg to be let on the FFWWH staff only to be denied and laughed at. Poor Matt Berry. 9. This is the year that Kobe Bryant finally wins a championship without Shaq. 10. 2009 will forever be remembered as the year of Calvin Johnson's domination of mankind. The Name Game Tom Brady or Peyton Manning? Manning Michael Turner or LaDainian Tomlinson? Burner Randy Moss or Calvin Johnson? Calvin Antonio Bryant or Marques Colston? Colston Brandon Jacobs or Marion Barber? Jacobs DeAngelo Williams or Clinton Portis? DeAngelo Playing with Numbers Adrian Peterson's yards and touchdowns: 2,200; 20 Drew Brees's yards and touchdowns: 5,156; 37 Tom Brady's yards and touchdowns: 4,356; 32 Kurt Warner's starts: 10 Braylon Edwards's yards, touchdowns, and drops: 1,004; 6; 33 Chad Ocho Cinco's yards and touchdowns: 1,119; 3 Chad Ocho Cinco's ridiculous statements: 7... teen Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace What question do you wish you had been asked on this survey? Is Tim Tebow in fact Jesus? And the answer is? He may be as close as you can possibly get. What question are you glad you weren't asked? Why is Tosten Burks such a funny man? Sucker! Now you have to answer. Why, he just wakes up and is like that, must be a gift from God. Thank you Jesus for bestowing Tosten upon us.
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Jacking ESPN's Material: 2009 Predictions by Zach Fein

I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you. Not all that Matthew Berry is associated with is bad. Take Anne Hatheway. Or this blog. Or Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. Or the prediction survey that he and the rest of Bristol's resident loser table fantasy guys put out for the new year. The thing that I'm thieving and in which plugging my own answers. Arrest me. Now, with less Tosten. Your name: Zach Fein But you wish to be referred to as: Zach You're a shameless, unabashed fan of: Using stats to back your case But we shouldn't hold it against you because: Yeah, fan bias is a lot better. Your fondest sports wish for 2009 is: That my NFL postseason predictions for the 2009 season are exactly correct. Why will this happen/not happen? I picked a Patriots/Seahawks Super Bowl this year. Who is your biggest sleeper pick for 2009? Matt Hasselbeck How high would you reach for that sleeper in a draft? Tenth round or so, as the No. 2 on a rotating-starting-QB team. Which player are you buying into but is most likely to disappoint you? Matt Hasselbeck Which player are you not buying into but is most likely to disappoint everyone else? Chris Johnson Who will be the best rookie to emerge in 2009? It won't be one of the two below. But who does everyone think it'll be? Beanie Wells/Knowshon Moreno Who will be... ... the first player drafted in fantasy football leagues? Adrian Peterson ... the player everyone will wish they had drafted? Clinton Portis ... the first player drafted in the NFL draft? Matthew Stafford, though it should be Andre Smith ... the first rookie drafted in fantasy football leagues? Beanie Wells/Knowshon Moreno (I just had this question...) Mad Gabs 1. In 2009, Tony Romo will be a top-two quarterback for 12 weeks, until December rolls around. 2. There is no way that I will recommend a guy with a so-called "easy"fantasy playoff schedule. 3. Le'Ron McLain will be this year's Ryan Grant. 4. Brett Favre will take the same amount of time it took last year to reach a decision and ultimately retire. 5. If you draft Ben Roethlisberger as your No. 1 QB, then good luck this year. 6. There will be 22 players who are QBs that will be drafted in standard leagues. 7. ... but only 5 players who are among those 22 will finish behind Big Ben, making him the No. 17 QB in 2009. 8. Matthew Berry will never be mentioned on FFWWH with the word "funny" in the same sentence... unless that sentence is, "Matthew Berry is not funny." 9. This is the year that Chris Mortensen finally beats out Adam Schefter or Jay Glazer to a breaking news story that turns out to be correct. 10. 2009 will forever be remembered as the year of Joe Flacco's playoff run to the Super Bowl. The Name Game Tom Brady or Peyton Manning? Peyton. Michael Turner or LaDainian Tomlinson? Turner Randy Moss or Calvin Johnson? Moss, I guess, but these guy will be drafted too early anyway Antonio Bryant or Marques Colston? Colston. Is this even a real question? Brandon Jacobs or Marion Barber? Jacobs DeAngelo Williams or Clinton Portis? Portis Playing with Numbers Adrian Peterson's yards and touchdowns: 1,525; 9 (that's total yards and total TDs) Drew Brees's yards and touchdowns: 4,920; 32 Tom Brady's yards and touchdowns: 4,150; 31 (he misses the first two or three games) Kurt Warner's starts: 15 3/4 Braylon Edwards's yards, touchdowns, and drops: 950; 6; 8 Chad Ocho Cinco's yards and touchdowns: 860; 7 Chad Ocho Cinco's ridiculous statements: 12. With the actual name "Ocho Cinco" on his jersey, his R.S. rate will ascend. Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace What question do you wish you had been asked on this survey? Who's your mancrush of 2009 going to be? And the answer is? Brandon Jacobs What question are you glad you weren't asked? Do you want to answer the second-to-last question on this survey? Sucker! Now you have to answer. Nope.
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Jacking ESPN's Material: 2009 Predictions by Tosten Burks

I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you. Not all that Matthew Berry is associated with is bad. Take Anne Hatheway. Or this blog. Or Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. Or the prediction survey that he and the rest of Bristol's resident loser table fantasy guys put out for the new year. The thing that I'm thieving and in which plugging my own answers. Arrest me. Your name: Tosten Burks But you wish to be referred to as: Emmanuel You're a shameless, unabashed fan of: McDonald's french fries But we shouldn't hold it against you because: If you do I will strike you with lightning. Your fondest sports wish for 2009 is: That Brady Hoke will turn San Diego State into an NFL team. Why will this happen/not happen? It's San Diego State. Who is your biggest sleeper pick for 2009? Derrick Ward How high would you reach for that sleeper in a draft? Fourth or fifth round-ish Which player are you buying into but is most likely to disappoint you? Philip Rivers. I'm a Chargers fan. He'll probably turn hobo on me and suck in fantasy and suck in real life and tank every football related squad that is associated with my life. Which player are you not buying into but is most likely to disappoint everyone else? Thomas Jones Who will be the best rookie to emerge in 2009? Michael Crabtree But who does everyone think it'll be? I have no idea. Who will be... ... the first player drafted in fantasy football leagues? Adrian Peterson ... the player everyone will wish they had drafted? Steve Slaton ... the first player drafted in the NFL draft? Sam Bradford ... the first rookie drafted in fantasy football leagues? Beanie Wells Mad Gabs 1. In 2009, stock will go for negative dollars. 2. There is no way that I will not win the lottery. 3. FFWWH will be this year's Google. 4. Brett Favre will move to Utah and marry the 20,984 reporters that make up the main stream media. 5. If you got money and you know it, then take it out your pocket and show it and throw it. 6. There will be 13 players who get drafted before Steve Slaton in fantasy drafts. 7. ... but only 3 players who score more points at the running back position. 8. Matthew Berry will mention this site on his podcast and in an article, make a joke about its title, and give FFWWH 13,847,398,742 page views. And buy a wig. 9. This is the year that Michael Scott finally finds true love. 10. 2009 will forever be remembered as the year of Skip Bayless's firing. The Name Game Tom Brady or Peyton Manning? Manning Michael Turner or LaDainian Tomlinson? Ehh, myeh, fee, fii, fo, ahh, umm, eeeh... Turner. I apologize LT. It's close man. If Darren Sproles signs elsewhere, you got it in the bag. Randy Moss or Calvin Johnson? Johnson Antonio Bryant or Marques Colston? Colston Brandon Jacobs or Marion Barber? Jacobs DeAngelo Williams or Clinton Portis? Portis Playing with Numbers Adrian Peterson's yards and touchdowns: 1,769; 19 Drew Brees's yards and touchdowns: 4,893; 31 Tom Brady's yards and touchdowns: 120; 0 (He pulls a Merriman, comes in Week One to prove he's tough, goes on IR to continue to recover from his injury) Kurt Warner's starts: 15 Braylon Edwards's yards, touchdowns, and drops: 1,138; 7; 12,908 Chad Ocho Cinco's yards and touchdowns: 1241; 8 (all in one game) Chad Ocho Cinco's ridiculous statements: ∞ Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace What question do you wish you had been asked on this survey? Why does the title of this post sound like a cologne? "Predictions. By Tosten Burks." And the answer is? I have not a clue in my soul. What question are you glad you weren't asked? I heard there's some big news coming about this site. What is it? Sucker! Now you have to answer. Oh, you trickster. You're gonna have to wait on that one.
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