Wednesday, December 24

Running the Wire

Heading into Week 17 I'm assuming that the majority of your seasons have either already ended unsuccessfully due to Marion Barber's decision to jump off a cliff or successfully due to dumb luck. But then there's the idiots who set up their leagues to last all 17 weeks. And you bums are probably freaking out trying to find a quarterback on waivers to fill in for Peyton Manning who will sit this weekend which is totally predictable and happens every year and is similar to benchings that occur throughout the league during the last week of the season and are the reason why you don't make your leagues last 17 weeks. Well, because you're idiotic, I'm not going to reveal wire wonders. You don't deserve help. Instead, I'm going to help out those who have suffered all year through NFL hobos dropping bust seasons for the Americans who spent 29,384 hours researching and deciding to draft said hobos. For the last Running the Wire of the year, I tell you whom to drop. It's the spirit of giving after all. Might as well give back the waiver wire the soap on a rope crap that deserve to be there. It'll make you feel good to let these guys go, I know it. Merry Christmas. [Ed's note: This is not the end of the post. There's a big space that is of no use; click the "Keep going..." below.] Gold Wire Drops Chad Ocho Cinco WR/Cincinnati Bengals—He should have changed his name to Chad Cero. He's worth nothing. For the future, don't even draft him until the Ocho Cincoth round. Carson Palmer QB/Cincinnati Bengals—Don't want Chadwick to get lonely on the wire. Actually I kind of do. Joseph Addai RB/Indianapolis Colts—Congratulations, Alex. Congrats. Braylon Edwards WR/Cleveland Browns—He only came 14 touchdowns short of winning that bet with Michael Phelps. So there's that. Gold Wire Drops Edgerrin James RB/Arizona Cardinals—Your one 100-yard game this season was much appreciated. Get a haircut. Derek Anderson QB/Cleveland Browns—More proof that money isn't everything. Actually this is proof that money is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Darren McFadden RB/Oakland Raiders—Of course in a season that sees the greatest class of rookie running backs in the history of the world emerge, the back who was drafted the highest would not be part of the emergence. I blame Art Shell. Willis McGahee RB/Baltimore Ravens—You couldn't secure the starting job from a rookie and a 260 pound fullback? Really? More Gold Wire Drops Plaxico Burress WR/New York Giants—Is it wrong to feel the urge to shoot someone who just got shot? Torry Holt WR/St. Louis Rams—This one kind of makes me sad. Jamal Lewis RB/Cleveland Browns—You weigh 245 pounds! Four touchdowns? Willie Parker RB/Pittsburgh Steelers—Well, I enjoyed the first two weeks... We'll be coming over later to sing Christmas Carols. Get some cocoa ready or something.

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