Wednesday, January 7

Jacking ESPN's Material: 2009 Predictions by Tosten Burks

I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you. Not all that Matthew Berry is associated with is bad. Take Anne Hatheway. Or this blog. Or Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. Or the prediction survey that he and the rest of Bristol's resident loser table fantasy guys put out for the new year. The thing that I'm thieving and in which plugging my own answers. Arrest me. Your name: Tosten Burks But you wish to be referred to as: Emmanuel You're a shameless, unabashed fan of: McDonald's french fries But we shouldn't hold it against you because: If you do I will strike you with lightning. Your fondest sports wish for 2009 is: That Brady Hoke will turn San Diego State into an NFL team. Why will this happen/not happen? It's San Diego State. Who is your biggest sleeper pick for 2009? Derrick Ward How high would you reach for that sleeper in a draft? Fourth or fifth round-ish Which player are you buying into but is most likely to disappoint you? Philip Rivers. I'm a Chargers fan. He'll probably turn hobo on me and suck in fantasy and suck in real life and tank every football related squad that is associated with my life. Which player are you not buying into but is most likely to disappoint everyone else? Thomas Jones Who will be the best rookie to emerge in 2009? Michael Crabtree But who does everyone think it'll be? I have no idea. Who will be... ... the first player drafted in fantasy football leagues? Adrian Peterson ... the player everyone will wish they had drafted? Steve Slaton ... the first player drafted in the NFL draft? Sam Bradford ... the first rookie drafted in fantasy football leagues? Beanie Wells Mad Gabs 1. In 2009, stock will go for negative dollars. 2. There is no way that I will not win the lottery. 3. FFWWH will be this year's Google. 4. Brett Favre will move to Utah and marry the 20,984 reporters that make up the main stream media. 5. If you got money and you know it, then take it out your pocket and show it and throw it. 6. There will be 13 players who get drafted before Steve Slaton in fantasy drafts. 7. ... but only 3 players who score more points at the running back position. 8. Matthew Berry will mention this site on his podcast and in an article, make a joke about its title, and give FFWWH 13,847,398,742 page views. And buy a wig. 9. This is the year that Michael Scott finally finds true love. 10. 2009 will forever be remembered as the year of Skip Bayless's firing. The Name Game Tom Brady or Peyton Manning? Manning Michael Turner or LaDainian Tomlinson? Ehh, myeh, fee, fii, fo, ahh, umm, eeeh... Turner. I apologize LT. It's close man. If Darren Sproles signs elsewhere, you got it in the bag. Randy Moss or Calvin Johnson? Johnson Antonio Bryant or Marques Colston? Colston Brandon Jacobs or Marion Barber? Jacobs DeAngelo Williams or Clinton Portis? Portis Playing with Numbers Adrian Peterson's yards and touchdowns: 1,769; 19 Drew Brees's yards and touchdowns: 4,893; 31 Tom Brady's yards and touchdowns: 120; 0 (He pulls a Merriman, comes in Week One to prove he's tough, goes on IR to continue to recover from his injury) Kurt Warner's starts: 15 Braylon Edwards's yards, touchdowns, and drops: 1,138; 7; 12,908 Chad Ocho Cinco's yards and touchdowns: 1241; 8 (all in one game) Chad Ocho Cinco's ridiculous statements: Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace What question do you wish you had been asked on this survey? Why does the title of this post sound like a cologne? "Predictions. By Tosten Burks." And the answer is? I have not a clue in my soul. What question are you glad you weren't asked? I heard there's some big news coming about this site. What is it? Sucker! Now you have to answer. Oh, you trickster. You're gonna have to wait on that one.

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