The HAIRY's: Week 15 Edition

Gage Arnold stops by to hand out his weekly awards for this past weekend. Momma said knock you out. Well, it seems like TO's gonna knock you out now, especially if you plot against him to take away his passes. Alright stop, collaborate and listen. As long as your name is not Tony Romo or Jason Witten, then Team Obliterator needs a script of what you "discussed." In my honest opinion, Terrell Owens really needs to get some new socks if he wants to truly escape the grips of da-feet. Yeah, that was possibly the worst joke ever. Let's just go on ahead to the Hairy's.

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The Sixth Sense Award (For Biggest Surprise)

And the award goes to ... Tarvaris Jackson, QB, Vikings

Wow, what more can I say. I mean, I know the Cardinals pass defense is bad, but to let Tarvaris Jackson of all people put up four touchdowns! I mean, the Cards bent like a wet newspaper, they lied down like Britney Spears, they crumpled like a leaf. But now I have to give some kudos to Mr. Jackson. I mean while it wasn't the Titans pass defense (which got completely blown up by Andre Johnson), it still was a formidable defense and it garnered him an award. Take a bow, Tarvaris. You actually earned it, for once.

The Last Indiana Jones Movie Whose Name You Can't Remember Because It Sucked So Much (For Biggest Bust)

And the award goes to ... Clinton Portis, RB, Redskins

This was a huge surprise to me. I not only expected the 'Skins to win the game, but to also blow out the Bengals and give it to Clinton for some nice garbage time as he ran for some nice yardage and possibly a score. But no, the 'Skins completely blow the game and Portis gets a horrible 25 carries for 77 yards. He deserves none of my kindness. I had him in one of my leagues and lost by five points because my opposing owner started Tashard Choice this week. It's times like these that psyco killers are made. But don't worry, I'm not like that, at all. On topic, Portis was disappointing, and has all but withdrawn his name for the MVP.

Lord, Del's Cup (Awarded to the Coach who Orchestrated The Biggest Team of Stooges)

And the award goes to ... Jeff Fisher, Tennessee Titans

How could you Jeff? It's fourth-and-three with 2:00 left on the clock as the Titan trail the Texans 12-13. Jeff Fisher choses to in fact go for it instead of taking his chances with his kicker Rob Bironas, who has hit a field goal from 60. So they in turn threw the incompletion and lost to a 7-7 team. This loss could help—it will keep Tennessee's guard up during the next few weeks, and they will not be able to bench their players or lighten up. Their spot is still on the line for tops in the AFC, but this still was obviously the wrong move, by far.

Paris Hilton Award (For the Player who Screwed the Most Owners Over This Week)

And the award goes to ... Marion Barber, RB, Cowboys

Marion. You are not tough and you obviously cannot keep to your word. I mean, all of this in sarcasm, but Barber still completely shot many people's fantasy playoff hopes in the foot with his two-point dinker this sunday. Why you ask? He was still in pain and truly should not have been active. Don't worry, they don't have tridents and spears in Texas, Marion, just cattle prods.

The Chad John ... Ocho Cin ... Ochocin ... Johnson Award (For Most Overblown Story of the Week)

And the award goes too ... (surprise, surprise) Terrell Owens, WR, Cowboys

Do I really need to elaborate? Or collaborate? This is so sad. I mean, right now I'm wiring in signs to Tony Romo on how he could keep the ball away from TO even more. I have absolutely no pity for the Cowboys or their fans. They deserve nothing more, and as long as Jerry Jones runs this show, don't expect him to get off his high-horse anytime soon to put Terrell in his place.

Keep hanging in there guys, the HAIRY's will be back next week, better than ever.

I wonder if Tony Romo would cry for TO.

FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com

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The HAIRY'S: Week 14 Edition

Gage Arnold shows up for the first time in six weeks and gives us his Week 14 HAIRY'S awards. Well folks, here we are. Fantasy playoffs are on our doorstep and many playoff spots were set in stone this week. I'm sure that for those of you who relied on FFWWH this year, you're safely sitting in the playoffs. Listening to our advice of consistency and making sneaky deals for players with soft playoff schedules (cough, cough) will do that for ya. Let's get right to it everyone, it's time to pass out our HAIRY's. Minus all the Pink, Britney, and Madonna drama. Nor will Twilight be mentioned at anytime in this presentation.

The Sixth Sense Award (For Biggest Surprise)

And the Award goes to... Matt Schaub, QB, Texans

Where did this guy come from? I mean, the name is familiar, but seriously, who is he? Schaub, coming off of a four-week layoff from a knee injury, completely destroyed the Packers secondary by scorching them for 400-plus yards. He also threw for two TDs and even managed to let his stud WR Andre Johnson have a decent game against Pro Bowl corner Charles Woodson. Pick him up if he's available; otherwise, hope you don't face him in the playoffs as the Texans are finally hitting full stride.

The Last Indiana Jones Movie Whose Name You Can't Remember Because It Sucked So Much (For Biggest Bust)

And the Award goes to... Marshawn Lynch, RB, Bills Wow. What a stinker Lynch put up. Only three total fantasy points against the Dolphins of all teams. While they aren't what they were last year, this defense is still able to be scored on by all means. Though Lynch wasn't supposed to obliterate this defense I expected a decent output from him. But instead I was placed with nothing more than the dud he placed on Sunday.

Lord, Del's Cup (Awarded to the Coach who Orchestrated The Biggest Team of Stooges)

And the Award goes to... Mike Smith, Falcons While Smith has done an extraordinary job with this team, he managed to possibly cost his team a playoff spot with his call on Sunday. On their own 35-yard line with time under five minutes left, Smith chose to punt the ball and promptly never saw the ball again and suffered the 29-25 loss against the Saints. This was a great game and the call could be called brave, but in my humble opinion, you have to go for it. The Falcons defense cannot stop the Saints high-octane offense, so why not take a shot and at worse you lose the ball at a decent spot, which is nothing huge for the Saints. Not saying that his team consists of stooges, just his decision was questionable nevertheless.

Paris Hilton Award (For the Player who Screwed the Most Owners This Week)

And the Award goes to... Randy Moss, WR, Patriots A very, very, very below-average game for Randy against the lowly Seahawks' pass defense. Tons of owners (including myself) were tempted into the Dolphins game and wanted and expected more from the stud receiver. While his five-point stinker could have been worse, he does have the Oakland Nnamdi's up next, so expect another sub-par performance from Moss.

The Chad John... Ocho Cin.... Ochocin.... Johnson Award (For Most Overblown Story of the Week)

And the Award goes to... Plaxico Burress, WR, Giants This comes as a little surprise to anyone, as we await the wording on his final verdict for shooting himself in the leg with his illegal weapon. I'm pretty sure this could not have gone worse for Plax. I mean the man shot himself, and he may even go to jail, and this guy should totally be on Best Week Ever. Have a great week everyone, and see you guys next week. You stay classy. We're on the keyboard like a boss, and we floss. FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com
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The HAIRY'S: Week 8

We've had some major technical difficulties, but we here at FFWWH have finally managed to get the HAIRY's up and running at full force. On a personal note, I've neglected this part of this blog for a while now, but I'm ready and back in full force to bring you my take and deliver sound fantasy football advice. So let's get to the chase, Cheeseheads, Bolts fans, and anyone else I've left out.

The Sixth Sense Award (For Biggest Surprise)

And the award goes to... RB Brian Westbrook, Eagles While he isn't a surprise player, Westy was coming off of a bye week, and he completely dominated a Falcons defense and showed he's a definite top-three RB for the rest of the year. He might even garner top-player considerations in a fantasy football season that has lacked a complete consistent superstar.

The Last Indiana Jones Movie Whose Name You Can't Remember Because it Sucked So Badly Award (For Biggest Bust)

And the award goes to... WR Plaxico Burress, Giants While Plax wasn't supposed to completely go off on Pittsburgh, he was at least supposed to get more than one measly fantasy point. Though he probably will bounce back and is the No. 1 target for a great team and offense, Plax still disappointed many with his lackluster performance.

Lord, Del's Cup (Awarded To The Coach Who Orchestrated The Biggest Team of Stooges)

And the award goes to... Tony Dungy, Indianapolis Colts Going for it on 4th down twice against a strong Titans defense at the beginning of the 4th quarter? Those two moves made absolutely no sense and the situation called for a conservative take on the game, yet Dungy endangered, and really even killed, his team by going for it on both downs. Not-so-wise choices from one of the better coaches in the NFL. [Ed's Note: Dungy went for it once in the 4th quarter: on 4th-and-2 from the Titans' 34 down three; he also went for it late in the 3rd, on 4th-and-1 from their own 49, with the score tied. The percentages actually point to going for it, and Dungy should be applauded for his "braveness." My opinion. —Z.F.]

The Paris Hilton Award (For the Player Who Screwed The Most Owners This Week)

And the award goes to... RB Steven Jackson, Rams While Jackson didn't even play this week, he still killed most of his owners who took a chance of starting him and left him in their lineups on Sunday morning. This despite SJax's being one of the late scratches, reassurances from head coach Jim Haslett that Jackson would "be fine for Sunday" notwithstanding. Yeah, nothing like checking back in around 2:00 on your fantasy team to see a big goose egg in a No. 1 RB slot, especially if you had DeAngelo Williams on your bench.

The Chad Johnson/Ocho Cinco Award (For the Most Overblown Story of the Week)

And the award goes to... The Never-ending Kellen Winslow Saga Where to start? The mysterious staph infection or the lies from the coaches and front office? While Winslow has claimed to have been "told to keep his infection quiet"—especially with the fact that Cleveland has had six outbreaks of staph since the 2003 season—this only makes it that much more confusing and bothering. But the suspension of Winslow for last week's game was definitely the topper of this story. With this, no one truly knows what really happened, and that's probably how it's going to stay.
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Dum Da Dum! Dr. Originality has arrived, and he's brought the HAIRY'S with him!

Well folks, bretherens, and stalkers, here I am, now Introducing the newest member to the FFWWH Blog team... (drum roll please) ...Gage Arnold! I find myself well qualified for this well honored and gracious position, but I won't go any further as none of you want to hear my life story. So I'm all about cutting to the case on my blogs, so I won't fill your head with crazy nonsense and babbling on about how my girlfriend is amazing, or how my awful Vols are the total disgrace of the SEC. Therefore, we head on out for the first edition of the HAIRY'S. Wait, wait, wait, I totally forgot, I should have mentioned what these "HAIRY'S" actually are. These HAIRY'S are awards given to players and coaches during the week who made either great plays or calls or if they just fit the qualification in the little caption under each award. Now that we are set, we'll venture on, readers. Here we go, buckle up—it's going to get crazy. The Sixth Sense Award (for the player who was the biggest surprise) Ronnie Brown, RB, Miami Dolphins No diggity, as he was the obvious choice here. Ronnie put up four rushing touchdowns and threw for another against the Patriots. He also scampered for 117 yards and did most of his damage out of the "Wild Hog" formation that the Arkansas Razorbacks run. This man owned, but too bad he sat on the bench for 75-percent of all fantasy teams. The Last Indiana Jones Movie Whose Title You Can't Remember Because It Sucked So Badly Award (for biggest bust) Derek Anderson, QB, Cleveland Browns/Terrell Owens WR, Cowboys Just when you thought he couldn't get worse, and he would pass on the Ravens, he sucks even worse than he has his two previous games. I mean this man is nearing like Britney Spears level of sucking. (Ed Note: That was not a sexual joke—at least I hope.) Whoa! That was a pretty low shot, but still DA is about to be wanted, D.O.A., if he doesn't get his act together soon. (Ed Note: I apologize for that paragraph—I'll get the new guy up to par on how we define funny in these here parts.) it was hard to put Terrell Owens on here for the sheer fact that he still blocked and made some great behind-the-scenes plays, but TO still only had two catches for 17 yards, and as the number one WR in fantasy, he has to do better, no excuses. Lord, Del's Cup (awarded to the coach who orchestrated the biggest stooges of the week) Lovie Smith, Chicago Bears This was a tough choice, but still Lovie screwed his team. He needed this win as he has the lead on the Bucs, but lets them come back and take it to OT. But wait that isn't the best part, his players while in OT after they stop the Bucs on a 3rd down while the Bucs are on their own 10, Charles Tillman starts a fight with the Bucs and costs his team 15 yards, a first down, and the game. Love you've got to step up and be the leader and stop that stuff from happening. (Ed's Note: This paragraph was left un-edited for hilarity. I don't know what he's saying either.) The Paris Hilton Award (for the player who screwed the most people this week) Calvin Johnson, WR, Detroit Lions Paging Calvin Johnson, paging Calvin Johnson. This man showed up nowhere on the stat sheet against the lowly 49ers. There's a time when a man just needs to step up and play, and Calvin, this was your week. You were expected for a huge week, and we got nothing. This better just be a one-time deal. The Chad Johnson Chad Ocho Cinco Chad Johnson Award (most overblown story of the week) Adrian Peterson's hamstring injury What AP claimed to be "nothing" hindered him the whole game and caused him to run for only 77 yards against the Panthers. I would have expected a much better output, but here's a continual reminder to temper your expectations when AP is injured; if you own him, make sure you own Chester Taylor.
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