Week 2 Name Calling

Name Calling Is Our Weekly Feature where we help you figure out which name to call for that flex position, #3 wideout spot, or any other lineup conundrum you may be faced with. Our goal is to help you decide on borderline starters by revealing who will hit pay dirt and who will implode. None of this "start Peyton Manning" or "sit Derek Hagan" nonsense. No loving, hating, flaming, or video gaming either. Just a bit of name calling is all. Usually in a neatly sealed package delivered late Saturday Night when I finally get to it because, umm, I want it to be fresh and current for you on Sunday morning.

Hmm... Let's see here. Looking back at the scoreboard from last week, how did I do? Start Willie Parker, ok check. Sit Marques Colston, yep that turned out well. Bench Tom Brady's cologney piece of balogney, (shooting myself in the temple for that as I speak, don't you worry) alright. Oh, and here's this one, start Dante Rosario, yep that was a winner. What? You don't remember me saying that stuff? I swear, I swear. Right here on page... ok. That's bull crap. Who knew Rashard Mendenhall wasn't a goal line back? Who knew Eddie Royal was a stud? Who knew Robert de Niro and Al Pacino would suck so bad? Not me.

So take these name calls with a grain of salt. Season your lineups with your own research and input; do not simply regurgitate what I say onto your roster. Because most of the time, that's exactly what it will be, regurgitation. Ralph. Vomit. I said to sit Donovan McNabb. Seven days later he's the best quarterback in football. Plug in Laurence Maroney? Please. Belichick doesn't hate him any less than last year. Every single schmoe fantasy advice giver has said some variation of this exact same sermon, and I probably ripped off about 38 different guys's format for said post, but it's important that you understand. Be confident, not fixated with me. But back to the non-sappy, non-preachery, non-waste-of-time-retarded stuff that you hopefully didn't already know.

My current winning percentage is 40%. I'd be a hall of fame baseball player! Chad Pennington was genius and I didn't see him on any other experts radar. The MoJo and Taylor predictions were money. Derrick Mason? The Carolina 5 letter abbreviation nickname wrecking crew duo of DWill and JStew? Call me whatever names you want about that. Call and ignore these people for week 2. Who You Gonna Call

Eli Manning - I hate Eli Manning. He's not good at football. He's not good at double stuffed racing. Plus his hair is funny. He's a good Trent Dilfer with a better last name, ok. Shoot me. But this week he plays the early season least-favorites, the St. Louis Rams. They got crushed by McNabb and all his tendinitis glory. With Plax looking as good as any wideout in the league, don't hesitate to put this bad actor into your starting lineup. Damon Huard - Here is a spot start for ya. Oakland let the likes of Eddie Royal, Darrel Jackson, and Brandon Stokely help Jay Cutler drop 300 passing yards against them. Larry Johnson will be the defensive focus of the Raiders so Dwayne Bowe will have some room to run around and do his thing. Rex Ryan has gray; Huard will have gold this week. Or at least some bronze. A touchdown or two.

Willie Parker - I'm not sure if I believe he's Fast and Wily Superman Willie Parker again, but for week two he will be. Pittsburgh is playing Cleveland in primetime Sunday Night and the Browns gave up three rushing touchdowns to the Cowboys in their first game. Big Ben is hurting a bit, so Tomlin will rely on the run more. Parker will benefit and can not be benched even in the smallest of leagues.

Reggie Bush - With Colston out, Bush is the number two pass catcher on the debth chart behind Shockey. He proved he's still the explosive, shifty, make plays type of guy that we saw Chris Berman make sound effects for in college. He has huge opportunities now. He'll make the most of them and is a must start in every league format.

Jerricho Cotchery - He's real. Last week was not a fluke. 2007 was his warm up season, 2008 is when he breaks out. Cotchery is Favre's number 1 option in the passing game, and Coles, if he even plays after being limited in practice all week, has been quoted as saying he doesn't yet "have a feel" for Favre. Don't let the New England match up scare you. Their secondary is actually a bit weak. You can't pass on Cotch in a 12 teamer.

Ronald Curry - Lost in the Tom Brady injury madness in the first Pats game of the season was the fact that Randy Moss was still a monster, putting up 116 and a score against Kansas City. That was with Matt Cassel throwing him the ball. Oakland plays the Chiefs this week and coming off a game in which Jamarcus Russel actually looked solid, dropping two scores, the passing game should click. It's tough to read who the number one receiving option is right now, but Ronald Curry supposedly had the leg up all pre season and is the best looking wideout of the bunch. I'd take a risk on him in a standard 12 team league.

Matt Cassel - If Chad Pennington and Greg Camarillo can do it, anyone can do it. A week later and the New York Jets still have injury issues in the secondary. Cassel has the little guy named Randy Moss who probably has the ability to dominate fill in backup cornerbacks. The best part though? How do you gameplan against someone who hasn't played in a game in about 38 years? Cassel has not started since high school. What, the Jets are going to check that tape out and figure out how to scheme based on how he did when he was 16? From one mediocre QB to another, take a flyer on Cassel if you are a non Brady owner who managed to snag him off waivers and Brady handcuffers, be confident this week in your karaoke singing hail mary.

On Speed Dial (Names you should always, always call, using discretion of course. I don't want idiots saying I told them to start some dude over LDT): RB's against Detroit, WR's against St. Louis, TE's against San Diego, QB's against Atlanta

Who You Not Gonna Call

Drew Brees - Ya, ya. He's the number one quarterback in fantasy football right now. I don't buy that he keeps that up, at least at first, without Marques Colston. David Patten, Devery Henderson, and Robert Meachem are not the wide receiving corps of a top fantasy option.

Steven Jackson - It took stud rusher Clinton Portis 23 carries to just get to a measly 84 rushing yards, an average of 3.6 a touch, against the Giants last weekend. SJax and the Rams look horrible already and if you can, I'd pass up starting Jackson against a New York defense that looks very solid against the run. Aww first round picks...

Desaun Jackson - Let's not dub him Jerry Rice just yet. The Eagles played the super bowl least-favorite St. Louis Rams week one. Whoop dee doo. I'm not jumping the McNabb and friends train just yet. Especially not with them playing a Browns team that shut down the high powered Cleveland Browns passing game last week.

Derek Anderson - Think Anderson's bad streak at the end of last season was a fluke? Look at his week one totals against the 'Boys. Now look at his matchup this Sunday, Pittsburgh. Mat Schaub was less than good against the Steelers last week and don't expect a slumping DA to do much better.

Not On Speed Dial (Names you should always, always caller ID check and ignore, once again, using discretion of course. I don't want idiots saying I told them to sit Randy Moss) - RB's against Tennessee, Kyle Orton, San Francisco WR's